The Criminal

As I've noted before, online dating has a long roster of flaws.  

For starters, if you're posting a profile, how much personal info do you share?   Do you use photos that have been retouched?  Do you take pictures from angles that only show your best assets only?  

These are personal choices all users have to decide for themselves.  

Surely, you'll never read a profile that reads: two time marriage failure with multiple baby's mamas and a rap sheet seeking hot nympho for casual sex and loans ill never pay back. 

Perhaps the online profiles are best left as a general overview and the rest is part of the dating discovery process. 

My own experiences reflect this but I've gotten good at asking the right questions at the right time.  It wasn't always the case.

Take a girl we'll call Betty. 

Betty's profile had the usual BS: likes walks by the beaches.  She's fun. Smart. Has a good job.  Likes music. Likes to travel.  Active. Fit. 

I almost wish online dating was like Wheel of Fortune, where certain letters are given to you (R,S,T,N,L, E) but in this case, those attributes are automatically filled in. 

Of course online dating is more about the picture and women seem to know this, so they write next to nothing. 

Fine.  If they want to be judged solely on their looks, so be it. 

Of course, they have little to lose.  They get a free meal out of it, so why not?  

In any case, Betty's profile piqued my curiosity enough to schedule a date. 

The first date was rather unforgettable, other than she revealed to me she had a two year old daughter. Wow. Ok.  That means she was in some sort of committed relationship fairly recently, but one could view that as a pro or a con.  

On the second date, she reveals she has a deadbeat ex, a house payment she can barely afford and that she has a "freaky" side.  Choosing to leave that topic for later, I decided this was interesting enough to continue talks.

Over the coming days, long phone calls revealed that she was smart, ambitious and self sufficient, qualities I greatly admire.  

The next date was an all day thing that started with a hike, then lunch followed by a nice dinner.  I let her drive that day and i was greatly impressed by her driving skills.  She had a liitle BMW 335 and she drove like a pro. Being a car guy myself, that sort of thing is actually a turn on.

The date would culminate in some wine and conversation in a jacuzzi. 

Adjourning upstairs to change, she soon emerged in a white two piece suit with gold accents and a belly chain.  One might assume she was relationship jumping by implying the jacuzzi frolic would escalate, but something told me to stick to my rules. 

Perhaps it was the dragon tattoo starting around the back of her neck cascading into the crack of her butt. I don't mind a little ink, but bringing her to a family function around my folks in a strapless dress was definitely not happening. 

After she consumed a half a box of wine to herself, more details emerged.  She shifted the conversation to her freaky tendencies.  As she got more touchy feely, she leaned into me and began to whisper into my ear. 

Expecting something romantic but provocative, I was a little taken aback by her suggestion that she wanted to take me to a sex club and get freaky in front of an audience.  

I'm all for the freaky talk..to an extent.  Especially in the throes of passion.  But taken in the context that this was the third date...and we were not actively engaged in anything resembling sex, this seemed a bit presumptuous. 

She continued, proceeding to describe a long list of activities that included props, harnesses, leather, restraints and witnesses...I was ok with one, maybe two of those things (I'm not saying which). 

The date ended with me offering a lame excuse about an early morning the next day.  

Over the next couple of days, I was treated to a barrage of texts embellishing her early desires. 

It wasn't that it was arousing (most of it was way over the top), but I'm no Mickey O'Rourke and we hadn't Ben dating anywhere near 9 1/2 weeks. 

I decided to put the brakes on a bit and I set up a date the following weekend.  For this date, I chose someplace public and tried to dig further into other areas of her life.  

At this point, you're probably wondering why I'd pursue such a woman but in my defense, remember that she had a penchant for cheap wine and an appetite for all things carnal.  Certainly, this warranted more in-depth probing.  Jokes aside, I figured I could tame the wild side a bit if she was a good match for me in other more meaningful areas.  

This was also a good a time as any to learn her last name. 

The big night arrived and she was wearing a strapless dress, a push up bra and 4 inch heels.  I guess Denny's was out of the question.  She tried to steer the conversation back to her freakyness, bisexual preferences and active libido, but I just wanted to continue my discovery of the "inner her."

Over the next two hours, she opened up eventually revealing that she changed her name because of a felony criminal conviction a decade earlier.  Seems she had driven the getaway car in a computer factory robbery in San Jose.  She would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for the CHP spike strips on US 101.  

She did 19 months at a Correctional institution, then moved down to Irvine with her aunt, finished school and went to work in the financial services sector.  It was definitely time to reevaluate this.

On the one hand, one has to admire her path of redemption. On the other hand, I realized that she'd be a hard sell to my mother.

I liked that she was a good driver, ambitious and educated, but her sexual appetites and preferences were way beyond my comfort zone. 

I'm no mama's boy, but it occurred to me that if my mom ever asked the question "what does she do" I'd never want to have the answer be "pretty much anything a man would ever want."

Wherever she is, I'm sure she's making some guy very happy.  Over and over again.