Do you know the four steps of relationship sex?
Everywhere Sex: That's where you do it everywhere...the car, the beach, the kitchen table, etc.
House sex: Limited to your home but in every room.
Bedroom Sex: only in the bedroom.
Hallway Sex: when you're only say "f$/k you" as you pass each other in the hallway.
There may be an element of truth to that for some. But the joke reminded me that once the novelty wears off, many couples fall into a routine and still others try to break the routine by spicing things up.
Such attempts can manifest themselves in several ways. Some choose to turn on some videos, which never worked for me. As a videographer, I couldn't focus on the sex, but instead turned my attention to poor cinematography, bad lighting, terrible audio and cheesy dialog. Not to mention that I don't know a single woman who does the dishes in lingerie and I know even fewer studly looking pool guys.
Suffice to say, I had to look elsewhere for spice. I've had women try everything from furry handcuffs to flavored condoms...I didn't know a woman had taste buds down there, so maybe I used them wrong. I've had women dress in leather, bring whips, masks, even one who dressed up like Princess Leia. I resisted them all because deep down, I prefer deep connection to devious devices.
I adapted by embracing romance as a form of foreplay, so nice dinners, vacations and flowers set the mood better for me than anything else. This I've known for a long time. I tried to use this strategy in all my relationships but every so often, I dated someone adventurous.
In one relationship, our intimacy fell into a routine largely because it had to be carefully planned around the sleep schedule of a child in the household.
It was usually limited to a Friday night after the two year old went to sleep. On this occasion, I was treated to my first (and only) experience with edible underwear.
Back in the early 90's, they were made from a substance that was more like a fruit roll up than an undergarment.
On this particular night, after a nice dinner, my lady and I curled up on the couch and watched "Silence of the Lambs." Afterwards, we retired to the bedroom for a little adult time. Standing in the bathroom doorway, she held them up and said 'Are you ready for dessert?'
Problem was, these things were as big as a barbecue cover. I replied "oh honey, I don't think I can finish all that." She broke down crying at her perception that I was implying that she was fat. After an hour of consolation, we finally made up.
Getting down to business was difficult because frankly, I found the whole thought of this hysterical. Somehow, I decided that now was a good time to play a prank. With my head under the covers, I peeled away pieces of the undergarment and laid them across my face like bacon in a frying pan. I then popped my head up and blurted out "hello, Clarice." We both laughed so much, the mood had passed and we ended up falling asleep.
When I woke the next morning, I got up as usual, showered and reached for the hair dryer. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the two year old had crawled into bed with my lady. There went my hopes for a morning romp.
I should've remembered that Saturday morning meant cartoons in our bed for the little, but my mind was elsewhere.
Disappointment turned to horror when I noticed that the toddler was chowing down on the edible delectable.
My lady woke up as I made some sort of gasp or shriek, I don't remember which, but I knew I was in trouble.
She began yelling at him for eating something he wasn't supposed to and, as predicted, I got blamed. She looked at the nutritional information on the label and realized it was similar to an actual fruit roll up, so she relented.
I was a bit surprised, so naturally I asked "are you sure you want him to eat all that?" And the fight resumed.
She thought I meant that I implied that she was big because the edibles were big.
Another hour of apologizing went by before we reached a settlement. In review, three things happened that day:
1) She swore she'd never bring such an item home again.
2) My son got his first..and last...taste of fruit roll ups that morning.
3) We agreed never to mess around again while he was home.
So my son, if you're reading this, this explains way we begged you to go stay at grandma's once in awhile and more importantly, why you're an only child.
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