Granted, women are often just as guilty as men in saying one thing and meaning another, so I’m going to focus on the stuff we men say, how to interpret their words and how to cut through the bullshit.
Let’s start with what happens when you’re first dating a guy. It matters somewhat where/how you met, but let’s assume you met online or through a mutual acquaintance.
For starters, you can should assume he’s seeing other women if you met online even if he doesn't say it…or at least he’s talking to them. There are signs you can use should you ever get to the first date:
1) He has his phone on a password system.
2) He pulls his phone out of your view to read texts.
3) He retreats to another room to make/receive a call.
4) He excuses himself at restaurants to use the bathroom for 20 mins…he’s texting someone else, ladies. No guy spends 20 minutes in a public bathroom.
For me, if a woman is texting on a first date, I always say this “It looks like you’ve got some business you need to take care of, so why don’t we do this another time? I’ll get the check and we can set something up another time.” Of course, I would never call that person again, but both times this happened, my instincts were right: I was dating a player.
Just to be clear, a first date does not constitute a relationship. Therefore, if both parties are still seeing other people (especially if they're in the process of trying to screen through a roster of potential matches), there's no harm in that. Of course, if he's married, that's something else entirely.
I'm assuming every person, man or woman, is looking for a wedding ring tan or mark on the appropriate finger within 30 seconds of meeting.
But let's assume you've now had a couple/few dates with Mr. Wonderful and he seems to be really into you and telling you sweet things as if he already knows that there's a future with you. Are you buying that crap? Maybe he's sincere, maybe he's not.
If you met online, one great way to test sincerity is to setup a fake profile using some really hot chick’s photo (make sure the fake profile lists her age as 5-7 years younger and fill out the profile completely or it’ll look fake) Now you’ve set the trap, time to bait him. Here’s how:
1) Set up a date with him using your real profile.
2) Wait a day and contact him from the fake profile. Exchange a couple of emails using the online dating site’s email system and invite him out on the same day/time you have a date setup with him from your fake profile.
If he takes the bait, you’re his second choice…or worse.
Assuming he passes the test, get his last name before you go on the date. Google him. Check him out on LinkedIn.com. Search for him on Facebook. At LEAST due these things as your minimum preliminary due diligence. I’ve had women tell me “oh, I’d rather learn all about him the old fashioned way.” In today’s world of serial killers, con artists and convicted felons, are you really prepared to walk in totally blind?
I’m going to pause for a moment just to address the obvious. While I may appear cynical, jaded, or less than romantic, the simple fact of the matter is that people lie. Even if it’s not an outright lie, they certainly try to present themselves in the best possible light. They’re not about to divulge things like DUI’s, bankruptcies, four ex-wives, restraining orders and things like that. Do you really want to risk falling for someone who has deal breakers like those? Do you want to invest six months, a year, or more to learn these things later? If you’re that naïve or you’re that trusting, you’re setting yourself up for unpleasant surprises after you’re emotionally invested. Your choice, but you were warned. A half an hour of investigation can save you months or years of pain and anguish.
Now let’s get back to the dating-online scenario.
I think most would agree that until you have a few dates with someone and “click,” it’s reasonable for both parties to explore options with other suitors. I agree. But if he’s feeding you lines like “I picked you above the rest,” or “yeah, I get contacted by other girls, but I’m not talking to anyone else cause I want to get to know you,” that’s almost always not true. Especially if he’s white. Or Persian. Or Latin. Or Asian. Hell, we all do it, who am I kidding?
A good way to approach this for men and women is just to try something unique: honesty. “Hey, just so you know, I’m still exploring options to see who I click with. I assume you are too. But after a couple of dates, we’ll both know if we’re clicking. If it’s not mutual, no hard feelings, but I’m going to continue to explore these options until I do “feel it” with someone.
I’ve had women tell me that and I’m totally cool with it. If I like them, I have to “win” them. If I don’t, or they don’t like me, at least everyone can say that they were honest.
All of this assumes of course, that he caught your eye with more than a shirtless photo. If a guy is using lines about how you look, your sexy smile or he doesn’t mention anything about what he read in your profile, you can bet that he was attracted solely by your looks. If you were lazy and didn’t fill out anything about your likes, dislikes, views, background, etc., you’re ASKING to be judged on your looks. And you get what you get…better looking guys, maybe, but they're after you for the wrong reasons. Proceed at your own risk.
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