Right now, my blog is read mostly by friends, some of whom I've known for 30 years. Most are on my Facebook and I'm proud to say, some of them were exes with whom I rekindled friendships. That's more a testament to their forgiveness than my value as a friend, but I'm proud nonetheless.
What prompted this retreat in the midst of a work week was a need to clear my head. Ironically, I'm at a place that any Hamster would enjoy being, but my thoughts are elsewhere.
I'm pontificating the remarks by friends that maybe I'm approaching this wrong. Maybe I'm single because I pursue women that are wrong for me.
Although I've penned nearly 30 posts as of this writing, the truth is that I've dated over 50 women. Many of them will never make this blog because they simply weren't Hamsters. We dated a couple of times or a for few months and as often happens, both parties realize they're not right for each other. Sometimes it ends well, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes, it just ends.
I've had four serious relationships from 1991 to 2012 ranging from 18 months to five years. The first two ended because we grew apart or wanted/needed different things. A third ended because I came in believing I would be a "rescuer." When it did end, I realized that such patterns need to be broken and my next relationship was with a woman who, on the surface, didn't need rescuing. But that one didn't work out either, despite my attempt to date a non Hamster.
In between those relationships, I dated. Using my three date rule for mutual evaluation yielded many of the stories about which I've been blogging. But there were several women in the mix that weren't worthy of a mention only because there was nothing bad or quirky about them.
What readers may have been seeing was a propensity for me to date mostly very pretty women, several years my junior and some with seemingly insignificant jobs, goals or questionable values.
What did they have that drew me in? The answer has eluded me, which is why I canceled a date with a stunning young woman who was probably way out of my league anyway...at least visually.
While many of my stories are written to focus on the funny side of them, I've left out the substance of more meaningful conversations I've had with some that led me to accept a date with them in the first place.
But I digress.
I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm not Brad Pitt, so I have no delusions about my looks. But most would say that intellectually, I can hold my own. It's my sense of humor that opens doors for me and if anyone learns anything about the opposite sex, whether male or female, learn that laughter keeps you young and makes you appealing.
And therein lies a clue: most of the women I date laugh at my jokes but aren't really funny themselves. So what draws me to them? Is it solely Physical attraction?
Sure, I've dated plain or average women but by and large, their personalities were pretty average. But there was something else that kept me from jumping in.
I recently dated one that was smart, funny, sarcastic, accomplished and interesting. We connected at a deeper level. But during my evaluation process, I felt myself liking her as a friend more than a romantic interest. This girl was fairly attractive, but maybe not flashy. Not that I need flashy, but I started to wonder if I had become what I loathe: a person who places looks above all else.
Many might be saying it's a cop out to assert that chemistry is based solely on looks. Initially, I think attraction is, but it's also a sliding scale. If I were 350 lbs and more troll like, I'm willing to bet that the women I'd accept look a lot different than the ones I date. But deep down, I'd still want Mila Kunos. Anyone who argues that looks aren't important is a flat out liar.
It occurred to me that while I want someone REASONABLY attractive, my "acceptable" range is probably a lot wider than you think.
With my ex fiancé, she was sweet, decent looking, accomplished and laughed at my jokes. For awhile, it was enough. But when she couldn't carry on a conversation about anything other than gossip on Facebook, that was a clue. The rest of that story is elsewhere on this blog, but suffice to say that in my head, I was evaluating her accomplishments and common travel interests as compatibility.
In short, her looks were debatable insofar as the primary motivation. But once I dug deeper, I saw we weren't a good match.
Ultimately though, I do look at things like intellect, accomplishments, personality, humor, wit, compassion, values, integrity, how we'll she fits in my life and vice versa...everyone does this. And everyone's scale is different.
As of late, it's clear I've been placing too much weight on one side of the scale. I've dated age-inappropriate women, making excuses internally about their poor jobs, lack of integrity, whacky values and such. Many of these women have traded on their looks for a long time...and I've been an enabler.
No more.
I've resolved to look at women closer to my age. I'll still place some value on physical attraction, but ultimately, only a deeper connection can only be realized if I focus on the person inside.
And deep down, I knew this all along. This is why I took a break.
To my credit, while looks draw me in, I've long realized that when they're not right for me, it's time to let them go.
So where does that leave me? The days of dating women that are ten years my junior are officially over. I'm looking at no one under 39 and not over 49.
Fortunately, I still prefer Asian women and they tend to age well.
Is it wrong to want the total package? A strong mutual attraction, integrity, character, ambition, success and loyalty?
Does a good, in attractive woman living in a mobile home not deserve a good man, too?
My point is, it's against human nature to settle. But there's a difference between settling and being realistic.
While I put on a good front about dating only the super beautiful type of woman, the truth is that long hair and a playful smile and sexy eyes are what really draws me in. A cute butt, cup size, nose shape, none of that factors in for me. It's all about what I see in their smile. If you look back at every woman I've dated, they all had that in common.
My goal now is to find a complete woman behind such a smile...and maybe find my own smile in the process.
Thank you, my friends, for a dose of reality and for your support.
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