One of the things I've learned the hard way in dating is that people don't always say what they mean. Sometimes this is due to cultural influences, sometimes it's due to personality traits and sometimes, it's because they're just not sure and are just trying to be polite. Unfortunately, in most instances, it leads to disappointment and hurt feelings when the truth finally emerges.
I've been trying to write articles that tell stories that are infused with funny elements, but this article proved more challenging. Nevertheless, it's a story I've chosen to share if, for no other reason to have it chronicled while it's still fresh in my memory.
Around Memorial Day, I met a woman we'll call "Tracy" on OKCupid. Although we had met once before a couple of years prior, I didn't really recognize her. Our first meeting was at a local lounge, where she arrived wearing glasses and was dressed casually. Turns out that she did recognize me but wanted to go incognito in case the date didn't work out. After some great conversation, she agreed to a second date.
For the second date, I reserved the patio at the Ritz Carlton in Dana Point for drinks. After getting cozy, we progressed to hand holding and had a first kiss that was amazing. Admittedly, the tingling I felt inside told me that maybe she could be "the one." It touched her too, because she got very emotional. There was definitely a connection, at least initially.
For the third date, I cashed in a favor and closed down a restaurant early, then had the chef pamper us with a special menu. I told Tracy that although we wouldn't be traveling the world together just yet, tonight, we'd do it through cuisine. It was one of the best dates I had ever had and I was genuinely having fun being creative.
She was a professional working 60 hours + a week, but lived not too far away. Since she made a good living, lived close and had passed all my qualifying questions, I saw no red flags.
The dates continued for a few weeks, but then in mid July, she had to head out overseas to fulfill an obligation. On the night of her return, I drove to the airport midnight and brought her and her girlfriend food and blankets for the drive home. This level of attention set the tone for the relationship.
A few months progressed and by August, she was at my house pretty much every night. Sticking to my three-month rule for intimacy, the first encounters were awkward. In retrospect, I think my body was trying to tell me something. She had demanded a blood test prior to proceeding further, something to which I took offense (I had had three partners since 1991), but nevertheless, I understood her desire to proceed cautiously.
About this time I learned of her last boyfriend, a fellow who had cheated on her a shortly after their vacation together (this issue would re emerge later). I found it interesting she kept this guy as a friend. I also learned that she had been dating a guy who was still married, but allegedly going through a divorce. One might call that a red flag, but I couldn't fault her for dating a guy who proclaimed that he was available.
Over the summer, we took a few weekend trips together, including a trip that she paid as a birthday present. I've never had a woman buy me anything, so this was really refreshing.
The one red flag that had popped up was the constant texting she was receiving from other guys. When a text arrived, she'd snatch the phone up and pull it close to her. In September, it became a big issue and I called her out on it. I told her "don't confuse my kindness for weakness," at which point she handed me her phone so I could see for myself. I glanced at it briefly and made a note of the guy's names, should issues arise later. Realizing I already had trust issues with her, we decided to split up. The story should've ended there....but of course, it didn't.
After a couple of weeks, we rekindled the relationship. Feeling that we had reached an understanding, I felt ok with it...and candidly, the way I felt about her was undeniable. On paper, she was a catch. Great job, self made woman, financially secure, decent looking, took care of herself, supported her parents, owned some property and laughed at all my jokes. All good stuff. She didn't cook, didn't clean much and had some procrastination issues, but I wasn't looking for a maid or cook. These weren't bad things, in my opinion, just characteristics and by no means do I expect a woman to take care of domestic duties.
Our first big trip was an exotic vacation. Since her birthday was coming up, I got her this pretty nice Michele watch that through a friend who was in the business. There was controversy here though, because what was supposed to be a custom thing turned out just to be a limited edition piece. One of her girlfriends made a big issue out of it, as if I had perpetuated some sort of fraud. Many might say that when a woman questions a $2500 gift from a guy's she's dating, it's probably a sign. I didn't view it that way, but I was disappointed that Tracy didn't tell the friend to mind her own business and it was the thought that counts.
By this time, we had talked about the future, marriage and life plans and things were going ok, yet I still sensed reluctance on her part. She would write things like "I can tell I'll be falling for you soon" on greeting cards. Our trip was to one of the most romantic places on Earth and the trip included an evening when I serenaded her with some bad karaoke. Clearly, my heart was in this even though we had only been dating 4 months.
Upon our return, I had to go back on the road for work. By this time, we were texting hundreds of times a day. One night, she had an event to go to and apparently I texted her too much, an act she viewed as a jealous tendency. Her responses were slow that night (this is an important detail that will emerge later) and it ended in a phone conversation that got pretty heated. I got home that weekend and we had it out. I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable and we got past it.
After another month or so, things seemed to be progressing despite her constant vacillating and by December, we started looking at wedding rings. This would be a 4 month process covering three area codes and more than 1,000 texts on the topic. I always joked that one of the reasons I would marry an Asian is because 1/4 carat looked giant on a tiny finger but somehow, the discussions led to larger and larger stones. For men reading this, here's a tip that a friend shared with me: the larger the stone the woman demands, the greater the likeliness that your woman is in the relationship for the wrong reasons. In short, the bigger the stone, the more he'll get boned. That's a Craig-ism. Write that down.
By mid December though, things had unraveled once again (she felt she was "losing herself") but then were rekindled right around Christmas. On her Facebook, friends were seeing posts like "he's a keeper," "love is about compromise," etc. In retrospect, clear signs she was trying to talk herself into this.
It was at this time the weirdness started in a big way. Conversations quickly turned to my looks. Although I had lost 45 lbs in the 18 months before I met her, I looked "old" to her. By my friends' accounts, I looked younger than I did 12 years ago, but maybe they were just being kind. She talked me into two very painful procedures for my face, including a cold fusion laser that kept my face bloody, scabbed and ugly to the point that we couldn't go out for New Year's Eve. She made up some excuse to her friends and we ended up at home.
Most men accept that a woman will want to change certain things about their man. For Tracy, it started simple with my wardrobe, diet and driving habits...all changes I welcomed. But this was taking a turn for the surreal. She had had plastic surgery herself but I've always said, if it makes you feel better about yourself, do it but that was her choice and I saw no reason I should be pressured into doing something I didn't want to do.
By early March, finances came into the discussion as we prepared to move to a new place together. All normal couples have this talk at some point, but her inquiries were becoming invasive. She saw my paychecks, even though we kept finances separate. At one point, she involved a mutual doctor friend in a conference call in which it became clear she was looking for the man to be the "provider."
The conversation continued to the point where I felt compelled to share my savings account statement, my checking account statement, accounting of my Money Market fund and retirement accounts. She was opening my mail by now, so she knew I was making as much as she was. All of this was probably a clear sign to walk away, but at this point, we were both in pretty deep.
As the talks of moving in were finalized, I agreed to pay 80% of the rent. To be clear, there was some give and take. Although I paid for meals and there was exchanges of gifts on both sides, but to her credit, she had paid for a couple of our trips. In fact, she even paid her own way to visit me on more than one occasion during my extended road trips. I felt that she wanted to make sure I could make a good living, though not necessarily pay her way through life. Or so I rationalized. Besides, she never asked for anything, as I happily offered these gifts to her and she bought me clothes on more than one occasion. She was pulling her own weight financially and I was pretty impressed by that.
We moved in together in mid March and on April 1, I proposed to her dockside under the sunset in Tahiti. By this time, her Facebook addiction was a problem, but I spun it for the proposal by posting my proposal to her Facebook page prior to takeoff at LAX. When we landed in Tahiti, I faked an argument with her about Facebook and told her she could check her page one more time. The video was there, already posted and when she spun around, I was on bended knee with a lighted ring box...and a 2.75 carat diamond as the main stone.
The ring selection was a bit of a story of it's own. I had a set budget (that could've bought a pretty nice car) but somehow, the discussion went for a "desire" for "at least a two carat ring" turned into a request for a bigger ring about which she was so adamant, that she eventually pitched in $5,000, effectively covering the cost of the setting. I set the $5,000 aside for the wedding and things continued, as she happily accepted the proposal. The next several days were heavenly and I felt that we were making real progress.
All along, I truly enjoyed the man I had become. I stayed up late to make her dinner after a long shift. Candlelit home-cooked meals were readily dispensed, along with foot and back massages, weekly poems and love letters. I did the laundry, ironing and cleaned the apartment so she didn't have to. She spoiled me too, in her own way, by taking me clothes shopping on a few occasions. I bought her flowers almost weekly and we traveled to so many great places together. It was a series of adventures that the entire Facebook world saw. I was committed and I thought she was too.
By May, I felt somewhat secure now that all of our problems were behind us. We returned home and planned our engagement party. We had already met each others parents, each others friends and were settling into a nice routine.
The engagement party was a challenge in that she complained that I was spending too much (she wanted to do $500 worth of appetizers, I wanted to hire a caterer.) It was my money, so I did both but to her credit, she bought the alcohol. Debates about the engagement cake colors, caters and such are all normal in a relationship. To her, everything was a "sign" we shouldn't be together.
One big sign to me was that she wanted invite cheating-doctor guy to our engagement party. The fact that she was still friends with this douche was bad enough, bringing him to the engagement party on my dime wasn't happening. It was a deal breaker, I told her so and I pissed her off. Somehow, we got past this too.
By June, she was shopping for wedding dresses. To me, that was a good sign but even this became a debacle when we tried to lock in her maid of honor. Her two closest friends were passing the buck to one another, a sign that could only be interpreted that neither of them believes that the relationship would work. I grew angry and told Tracy that I would not allow either of them to be in the wedding party. I was adamant. I already knew the character of these two "friends." One was a person I had trouble respecting who got left at the alter by her player fiancee, the other had married a doctor and was "living the dream." Tracy never really spoke highly of these women and I wondered why she'd even have them as friends.
Although there were many challenges by this point, what most didn't see was the pillow talk we had. We both opened up to each other in deep, meaningful ways. Although she tried to be private, she probably shared more with me than any man before. We often laughed and I marveled at how we had worked through some pretty big issues.
One thing that had always disturbed me was the way she talked about her friends. Often condemning their actions, superficiality or actions, I was surprised that she seemed to seek out their approval on every issue in our relationship.
By early July, things had deteriorated again and I decided it was time to take a break. I wanted to move out and told her so very angrily, raising my voice and making it very clear how angry I was by what I perceived as conflicting signals. She made it very clear with her tears she wanted me to stay. This is a pattern that repeated a couple of times before my birthday trip in August. Somehow, we patched things up each time and the time up to the birthday trip saw an uneasy peace between us. But nothing would prepare me for what was about to come.
Opinions expressed are those of the author(s)
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