In the last installment, we were just about to take a trip to celebrate my birthday. What Tracy didn't know is that one of her friends had been divulging information to me. She shared with me that this vacation was a "make or break trip" for us. Candidly, I felt the same way. It had been a rollercoaster ride to this point, but a few things happened before the trip that had me even more on edge.
For starters, the issue of my looks had resurfaced. While getting follow-ups to my earlier facial procedures, the discussion turned into a focus on what else could be done. Tracy dragged me to four plastic surgeons on the premise of a blepharoplasty, but the discussions soon turned to facelifts. Four separate doctors asserted that I didn't need one and that I wasn't a good candidate. She wouldn't relent, but I thought I ended the discussion when I said that 'given our history, if you want me to have one, you can pay for it.' It was a bluff as I never wanted it in the first place.
I thought the issue was finally dead back in July, but three days into my birthday trip, I asked her point blank: why had she not set a date? Once again, she brought up the facelift, stating that if I didn't have it, she couldn't marry me.
I was enraged. I started packing my bags and I was all set to leave early. She tearfully urged me to stay. I relented and rode it out. Over the next two days, I thought I had made her realize the error of her ways and she even made a list of things she would do to make things better. At the top of the list? Get counseling. As an only child, in my opinion, she was displaying bizarre tendencies. Was she narcissistic? Or was she a sociopath?
One of her friends even told her that telling me to get a facelift seemed shallow and perhaps she was focused on creating an image for the world that was untrue. What image, you ask? She traveled in a world of professionals and high earners ($150,000 and up). Outwardly, I got the sense that she was interested in presenting an image of success. Things like a fancy place to live, a nice car, a big ring, exotic trips and nice clothes all helped to paint that picture. That's not to say that she had a spending problem...to the contrary, as she was careful about money we spent. Again, she couched it as more of a "security" issue in that she wanted to be sure we'd be financially stable in the long term.
I understand a woman's desire to have stability and to me, it wasn't an issue because she saw my paychecks and knew I made as much as she did that year (and more in previous years). The issue here was my looks and in the overall context of that conversation, all of these indicators were adding up to something most unpleasant.
By now, readers are probably wondering why I was sticking around. Again, I'm focusing on the bad things in this article and although I haven't included much of the more heartening talks we had, it's only because her actions spoke louder than words.
After our vacation, I hit the road again for work. A few days into my trip, I checked on the progress of her getting counseling. Her response? 'I saw a fortune teller who told me I wouldn't be married till I'm 43.' (She was 37 at the time.) I also learned in that conversation that when our lease was up, she was moving separately. Finally, some closure.
I made arrangements to move immediately upon my return. The lease was in her name and was still in effect until October, but this being late September, I felt no obligation to do anything more for her.
Somehow, things died down and although I was moving, she suggested that she could move in with me at the new place so we could "try again." Remarkably, I bought into it, dismissing the notion of my friends that she was a) telling me what she thought I wanted to hear or b) didn't want to pay rent.
Nevertheless, I set the wheels in motion as I felt that faced with losing me, perhaps she was finally ready to tell her friends to stop with the bad advice and she had perhaps had a breakthrough.
A few days into another trip, she called me up at work and told me she had signed a lease at another place...but we could still "date." To say I was shocked was an understatement. That was it...I was done for good and all I could do was to try to exit gracefully.
During this, she had a big court date approaching (she was suing someone), so I drove 450 miles in the middle of the night to get to her court date where I appeared on her behalf, then turned around and drove back. Clearly, I was trying to be a stand up guy.
On the day I moved out, I went back to her/our place to patch holes in the walls and to drop off boxes. Unfortunately, things escalated because she couldn't bring herself to lift a finger and I called her out on it. This was on a Wednesday.
Friday rolls around and despite further talks of "letting things cool down and resuming dating," I get a text from a gal pal. Seems Tracy is out at a local pickup joint...with a man...wearing the ring and the watch I gave her. At the time, I was in San Jose. Since I knew she was a Facebook addict, I messaged her through Facebook, as she would probably see that first. Her message came back showing her location at Javier's in Newport Beach. I asked her about moving boxes and ended it with "sorry, didn't mean to interrupt your date."
The next day, the text barrage started. She asserted that she was with a "casual friend." She then accused me of stalking her, then proceeded to text a dozen or more "mutual" Facebook friends telling them that. I told her that a friend of mine actually saw her there and if she didn't fix this libelous behavior and apologize, I'd sue her. I was dead serious, having spoken to my attorney. She reluctantly obliged and several of the friends tried to add me back as friends on Facebook. I denied all but one of them. Who needs friends like that?
I had already deleted and blocked her, yet I knew she had mutual friends monitoring my Facebook. Every time I went with a female friend, I posted "dinner with a casual friend." It became a joke that all my friends knew about. I even went so far as to post pics of me and a female co worker's trip to Cancun awhile later, always mentioning a "casual friend."
The jealous texts ensued and I just told her "she's just a casual friend." Admittedly, juvenile behavior on my part and not something I'm proud of, but I hope I made it clear that her response was not believable...to me, anyway.
Eventually, I queried about the disposition of the ring. She offered to pay me for the full value of the ring and when I accepted, in an instant, she recanted and offered to sell it back to me for about 1/3rd of it's value, proclaiming that it was a 'good deal.' I don't understand the logic of me buying the same ring twice, but in her head it made perfect sense. I suggested we sell the ring and donate the money to our favorite charity but last I heard, she still has it.
After the break up, I learned all sorts of things that had transpired throughout the relationship, including that she was texting her married ex boyfriend way back in October stating "I just wish we could have a normal relationship." This just happened to be the night she accused me of being "jealous" when she didn't respond to my texts like normal. As it turns out, she was busy texting someone else. All along, I had been hearing about conversations ranging from our finances to our sex life that were all communicated to her girlfriends by text. While I'm grateful to the friend of hers that tipped me off, I'm saddened that Tracy can't seem to accept that her image is being tarnished by her own actions.
Looking at the big picture, the conclusion seems obvious: I wasn't good looking enough or rich enough for her, or to impress her "friends," or to make a sufficient "statement of success." My mistake was taking her comments to me (privately) at face value.
To her credit, because I was so "sweet and so nice" (her words), I think she tried very hard to make it work. In fact, she probably agonized over it because ultimately, the chemistry wasn't there for her. These are all things that should have occurred to her prior to accepting the proposal.
To me, love is about accepting someone for good or bad, etc. and it seemed logical that once she accepted the ring, she had made that commitment. Of course, there are no guarantees, not even in a marriage, but if I was still going to be required to jump through hoops as a condition of marriage, she never should've accepted the proposal. I had long accepted her, including her faults and her roster of shallow, narcissistic friends.
A revelation came to me one day when I asked myself: if I were disfigured in a car accident and couldn't work, would she still be there for me? I had zero confidence she would be. I should've ended it that day (which, by the way, was the day I had laser surgery on my face.)
She was my jewel, my world and I woke up every morning thinking about what I could do to make her day brighter. As much as I learned about her, I learned as much about myself.
The lesson that I took to heart was that if a person is focused on making themselves happy, there's little left in them to make you happy. Wherever she is, whatever she's doing, I know that I'm happier and better off now. To use a cliche, you have to let go of the wrong person in order to find the right one.
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