The topic was relevant given that I had just found an old cell phone from my ex that somehow made it into my boxes after a recent move. In it, I found a two year dating history that indicated her number was probably higher than she had led me to believe. In fact, in one month, she had 14 dates with seven different guys and a couple of sleep overs. Reading further, it was clear that when it came to men, the more attention she got, the better. Ironically, the image she put out to the world was one of being "conservative" in that area. Because of this, the cover image I used for this article is downloadable, in case she'd like to update her Facebook cover photo to something more reflective of her thinking on this topic.
Yup, it's often the quiet, conservative ones that are the most liberal and that area. In any case, it gave me time to truly ponder the topic of "numbers."
First off, I'm sure most would say that the number for a man is probably higher than the number for a woman. That never made sense to me unless there were 4 times as many men on the planet as there are women. Since I don't have those statistics at hand, let's just say that it's probably safe to assume that sex with multiple partners is generally more acceptable to men that it is with women.
If you're particularly religious or grew up with old school values, especially in some cultures, the "acceptable" number is probably a lot lower.
In America, today, the numbers seem to be skewing higher as to what's acceptable. Partly due to the media, mostly due to the Kardashians, the thought have having multiple sex partners is becoming less and less taboo.
I think most men my age would agree that approximately 2 lovers per year (for a single person) is probably "acceptable." Even that's moving at a pretty good clip. If you factor in dating long enough to know a person, having the relationship progress at an average pace and the time it takes to meet someone with whom you have that mutual chemistry, 2 per year becomes a challenge.
Of course, some men are more than up to the challenge and can achieve numbers higher than that. While that number may be acceptable to a good portion of Americans today, taken in context, it's almost shocking. Figuring two lovers per year starting at 18 years of age means that the average man would have had 44 lovers by his 40th birthday. That's not impressive, it's just plain nasty in my opinion.
For women, it's far easier to run the numbers up. Women are the gatekeepers, as they can walk into any bar, any night and take home a guy, almost with no consideration for their looks. For men, it's not the same.
Dismissing the uneven playing field, the simple fact is that no one likes to discuss what their number is. In fact, I bet many of my readers don't even KNOW what their number is. I'll go further and bet that many people can't even remember all the names.
I have friends on both sides of this equation, men and women. As friends, I don't think any less of them if their number is higher or lower, but I'm betting that most are under 20 for their number. Maybe I don't travel in the right circles to really know any man-whores or especially liberal women, but that's not my point. My point is that from the outside, you can't tell at a glance. I've seen women who dress like hookers who wouldn't put out for diamonds (no, I'm not talking about my ex) and by the same token, I've known women who thrive on pre marital sex, but loathe post marital sex (this time, I AM talking about an ex.)
You can't judge a book by its cover. Take for example an incident in Utah in 2009. I was up there teaching a little pro driving for an exotic car company and I met some delightful young Mormon ladies. Over cocktails, they revealed that they were virgins...technically. Digging further, it turns out that despite being almost 30, they had never had vaginal intercourse. Not willing to leave it at that, my partner inquired even further.
It turned out that some Mormon women believe that having other forms of sex but not vaginal still qualifies them as a virgin for marriage. I call this the Bill Clinton loophole. And no, they didn't mean oral...something far more, um, uh....you get the idea.
I suppose that makes sense to them but for me, it's officially sex any time a nipple makes its first appearance. Nevertheless, technically, their numbers would be extremely low.
Back in the real world, the simple fact is that each person must decide for him or herself what their number is. No one has the right to judge another, so why is this still relevant?
For me, any time I enter into a relationship, I usually steer clear of this topic. Why? Number one, no good can come from that discussion. None. One person's number is always higher than the other's and invariably, it creates tension.
Second, what does it really say about a person? That they were promiscuous in their 20's? Third, if the number is higher than what you thought was ideal and you're already at that point where you're in love with the person, what happens next? Perhaps the more rational thing is to take time getting to know the person BEFORE he/she becomes another "number" on your roster.
For me, I implement the three month rule: no intimacy until three months have passed. It's a personal choice, one learned through experience and recognition of the fact that the first few months are often just infatuation. Only have time and experiencing other closeness can one really determine mutual compatibility, character and integrity. Those are the things that matter most, not whether or not your girlfriend was the village bicycle in college or whether your boyfriend was a man-whore in his 20's.
While the actual number might be a big deal to some, it's almost moot. As evidence, I can submit all sorts of stories of women I've dated that had high or low numbers that turned out to be no influence in their character displayed during the relationship at all.
Everyone has past, but it's what's inside the person today, right now, that you have to use as a tool to judge compatibility. Unless of course, you can get your hands on their cell phone...what's inside there can tell you a whole lot more, as it turns out.
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