Paper Jam

My sophomore year in school, I was in the second year of an accounting job. If you've ever seen "Office Space," that pretty much sums up my work environment. In the cubicle next to me was an older dorky basement dweller we'll call Milton. Milton probably hadn't seen a woman naked since Nixon was president and he was constantly muttering under his breath, much like the character, only his ramblings were mostly sexual. 

In that day an age, rules on sexual harassment were pretty lax. You could get away with pretty much anything short of intercourse on the bosses desk.

The other workers in the office were a mix of women in their 50's who generally hated men and a few clerical young ladies, all in their early 20's. Two in particular that were probably high on Human Resources' watch list were Elizabeth and Kristen.

Elizabeth was a buxom latina co ed with a high sex drive and low moral standards...something most men look for in a woman. Elizabeth always wore short, tight skirts and a top that was more of a restraint than a fashion statement.  Kristen was a sexy southern girl, a bit more slender, but had a mouth like a sailor, a booty like an Apple and hair down to her waist. Whenever those two gathered around the water cooler, their conversations often turned to rehashing their weekend sexcapades. Naturally, we all got to be good friends.

As my school schedule changed after summer, I turned in my resignation. Upon learning of my imminent departure, both Elizabeth and Kristen felt compelled to do something special for me. Of course, I asked for something modest, something tasty and anything fresh, noting that a home cooked treat would be a welcome change. Somehow, they must've misinterpreted my request.

The day before my departure, Elizabeth was kind enough to retrieve a print job for me from the copier room. It was a large stack of aging statements. As she dropped them on my desk, she said with a smile, 'your present is between the sheets.' "Odd comment," I thought, but sexual innuendo was rampant in that place to the point that I just tuned it out. The delivery couldn't have been more timely, as the boss needed these immediately. As it was getting close to quitting time, I placed them on the boss' desk and returned to my cubicle. My boss left his office and locked it up a few moments later. Given that it was still thirty minutes before quitting time, I was disappointed that he rushed me to complete the job but didn't bother to peruse the documents.

Nevertheless, I packed up my briefcase and got ready to leave. Right then, Elizabeth plops down on my desk, legs crossed, patent leather high heels glistening in cheap fluorescent office lighting and blurts out "did you have a chance to look between the sheets?"  Confused, I looked at her and simply replied "huh?" She sat up with nervous angst and said 'you did sort through that stack of paperwork, right?' Feeling a sense of doom, I told her "no, I put them on Wayne's desk."  'Holy shit,' she blurted out. 'We've got to that stack back!' "Calm down," I said, "it can't be that bad. What was in the stack?" 'I took a picture of my ass on the copier machine...and I wasn't wearing any underwear.' Now I was getting anxious...not to save my job, I couldn't care less. I wanted to see the picture! At this point, Kristen chimes in 'honey, are you afraid Wayne will see the picture and recognize your coochy?' That almost started a cat fight. Would've liked to see that too but we had a problem to solve.

In a true McGyver moment, I noted that I could probably get access through those Styrofoam roof panels if I went in through the conference room next door to Wayne's office. We'd just have to wait till the others left the office...there could be no witnesses.

After everyone left, that's exactly what we did. I climbed up using chairs on top of the conference table, found a support in the ceiling area, climbed down into Wayne's office, sorted through the paperwork and found the picture. The resolution sucked, by the way, and the only way we would've been able to identify that anatomy was if we did a line up in the office, police style. Nevertheless, we got out of the office and set the alarm behind us.

As we walked to our cars, Elizabeth realized she had forgotten something: her underwear. Seems she was wearing it when she went into the copy room and in the rush to complete her devious deed, she must've dropped them somewhere. Even McGyver couldn't get back into that building without setting off an alarm. As panic set in, I calmly suggested that we get there early right as the office is opening and that we head discreetly to the copy room to search for the missing garment.

Unfortunately, we all got there a little late. Even thought the office opened at 7:30 and we were there by 7:40, there were already employees in the building. Still, we bolted to the copy room and turned it upside down...but no sign of the under garment. There was only so much we could do and this being my last day, there was only so much I cared. Perhaps the mystery would never be resolved.

Or so we thought.

By 8:10, a page came over the office intercom: "IT, to the copy room. We have a paper jam."

Immediately, the hamsters scurried to my desk for a whisper session: 'what are we gonna do if they find the underwear?' "Relax," I said, "we turned that place upside down. Oscar (the IT Tech) is not gonna find anything." Moments later, we hear 'Ewwww' from a gathering of the office ladies in the copier room. Oscar emerges with a pair of needle nose pliers and dangling from its jaws is a neon green G-string. Apparently, the offending garment ended up in the paper feeder tray and the next time someone hit "print," it jammed the machine.

Upon seeing Oscar holding the G-string, Elizabeth bolted from my cubicle to the restroom. Kristen turns around and returns to her cubicle. The office was abuzz trying to solve the mystery and although no one said it, clearly my two Hamsters were at the top of the suspect list.

Things blew over by lunch time and as the noon hour approached, I was called into the lunch room. There, I was presented a wonderful cake with an inscription that read "good luck in your next position." The cake featured a Ken and Barbie doll in a compromising Kama Sutra pose. Even the older ladies got a kick out of it. One by one, I was given trinket gifts by co workers. Oscar's gift to me was...you guessed it...the neon green G-String.

As I ended my day, Elizabeth caught me in the parking lot and asked for her underwear back. I mused that it was probably not a good place to handle the exchange, but we could meet Friday night for the transaction. When she left my apartment Saturday morning, she remembered to gather up her under garments. She did however, forget the Xerox copy.

I'm fairly certain that such Hamster antics are why most companies keep their copy machines out in the open these days. In case you were wondering how that trend started, now you know.