Genuine Men Only

In this age of "immediate gratification," technology has allowed us to boldly go where no man has gone before.  However, when we refer to online dating, it's more appropriate to say that we can now go where MANY men have gone before.

There are many online dating sites like OKCupid, Zoosk or my personal favorite, Plenty Of Fish.  POF should really be called "Plenty of Freaks" because my experience was that it was like a garage sale for women.  You may be able to score a rare find, but mostly, you were picking up someone's cast offs.  I can only imagine what women experience on sites like that, but I decided to dig a little deeper.

I used to have this friend we'll call "Linda."  She was an online dating pro, having dated 2-3 times a week...for more than 3 years.  I heard tale after tale but she did provide some interesting stats.  She was getting 30-50 emails a week from potential suitors.  Discounting the obvious D-bags with shirtless photos, her emails consisted of everything ranging from young men seeking a Cougar to guys listing their personal assets as attributes.  Of course, there were several propositions for random sex encounters.

She learned quickly that guys who didn't post photos were almost always hiding a relationship, but those she did try out had so many issues, so it was no wonder they were single in their 40's.

Striving to be different, when I posted my profile back in the day, I listed my genuine attributes and of course, added a flair of comedy.  I did mention that I liked fine dining, tropical travel, photography and the usual nonsense.  At first, I wasn't getting many replies.  After I cut my profile down to a more basic description that said something like "financially secure guy seeking active, fun partner for a life of adventure," I even changed my profile picture to the typical douche picture, which was me in a pair of sunglasses giving my best "Blue Steel" pose.  My inbox blew up.

One of the emails I got was in broken English from this fine specimen.

I saved the picture to my phone (thank God for backups, as I found the picture in a file folder I saved to my computer when I started having phone problems over a year ago).

Her headline was "Genuine Men Only."   By this time, I had reviewed dozens of profiles. I'll dig into these deeper in another post, but by and large, many were of narcissistic women with very a inflated assessment of their self-worth.

But this one intrigued me.  Perhaps it was her "natural" beauty (sarcasm, level 10.)  Obviously, this young lady had more plastic surgery than infamous CatWoman  Or perhaps I was intrigued because I always wanted to date someone more than a decade younger (she listed her age as 31.)  Um....yeah.....

Subconsciously, I probably knew that someday I'd be writing a Blog about these topics, but I just had to investigate further.

A brief overview of her cursory description didn't say a whole lot.  Her opening email was "hi, honey.  What do you do for a living?  Where do you like to travel to?" Two first date Gold Digger questions, if I've ever heard one.  I gave epic douche bags responses like "My job is just a distraction to occupy my time, but I enjoy the travel that comes with it.  For vacations, I prefer any place that is secluded, affords me great privacy and 5 star amenities.  The location is almost irrelevant, so long as my needs are met."

The truth was that my company often sent me to crappy cities and a Hampton Inn was the norm.  For vacations, I was certainly not staying at the Ritz and the resorts I did frequent were usually booked through a discount website as part of a package.  And of course, I always flew coach.

Suffice to say, that sucked her in. My typical questions included things like "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "What was the most thoughtful gift you ever received?"  Such questions are designed to penetrate the psyche (this too, will be covered in an upcoming blog post)

Deciding I could save a few hundred bucks by dating her virtually, rather than actually taking her out, I prodded her with a few questions over an exchange of about a dozen emails.  

After several emails, I probed more deeply and asked what her profession was.  Anyone want to guess?  Correct!  Hairdresser with a capital "H" as in "H-amster."

One of her goals was to open her own salon in Newport Beach offering high end services to her friends (also undoubtedly a group of Hamsters.)   Still another was to go back to school to get a Law Degree.  After that, she wanted to have another child, then be a stay at home mom so she could have time to "travel the world while she was still young."  My reply to that bombshell was "but if your husband is working to provide all these opportunities, with whom would you travel?"  Her answer was "my girlfriends, of course."  Wow, what a great bargain for some lucky man.

Moving along to other topics, I learned that her hobbies included shopping, boating and trips to Vegas.  I asked her if she owned a boat and predictably, she did not, but was happy to partake of a "friends" weekend outings on his yacht.  When I asked about her favorite place to stay in Vegas, names like "Wynn" and "Encore" popped up.  Intrigued by how much vacation she has accrued for trips with any new man, her answer was a stunningly-evasive "I like that I can pick up and go at any time."  Translation?  Unemployed hamster on the last legs of a relationship of her current benefactor.

As for the most thoughtful gift she ever received?  A brand new Mercedes CLK by her former live in boyfriend.  To her, it was thoughtful because she had just moved in with this guy and her last car died.  Wow.  

As the conversation progressed, I asked her why her previous relationships hadn't worked out and what she had learned.  She had only had two, both were about 3 years and those guys cheated on her.  Shocker.  When I probed more deeply, turns out the men had selected younger, hotter women and that's when she decided to "start taking better care of herself," which I interpreted to mean "plastic surgery."

While I'm not opposed to plastic surgery in principle, I am when it is to create the illusion of beauty. To me, it's akin to putting a pretty paint job on a flood damaged car.  There was no way this lady was 31 any more than I was a five star traveler by habit.  In her case, the illusion she was creating was that she was a woman of substance and character.

Her emails to me indicated a pattern of hanging out at all the Cougar dens in Orange County (i.e. 333, Javier's) and her men were a mix of early 30's male Hamsters and mid 50's Hair-Club-for-men entrepreneurs.  Other hints like a list of her favorite places to shop (Rodeo...duh), her wish list of travel destinations (the Maldives) and her dream car (Mercedes S Class) were not red flags by themselves, but in the context of the conversations, indicated a pattern of behavior.

At one point, I remembered that she said she wanted another child, so I asked the question "you had mentioned you wanted another child....tell me about your precious little one."   Her little one wasn't so little.  He was 16...and lived with the dad.  A-ha!  This begged a bevy of follow up questions that revealed that the ex is paying her alimony monthly (she lives in rented condo in Newport, so I'm sure it's a healthy stipend) and that her "true" age was 39.  Sorry...not buying that one, either.  If I were a betting man, I'd say 46 if she's a day.  Being a connoisseur of Asian women, the rule is: pick an age based on how old they look...and add 7 years.  You'll usually be closer.

So, in review, this "beautiful" woman was asking for "Genuine Men Only."  Yet she surely has had plastic surgery including a facelift, augmentation, probably a nose job, she wear's fake eyelashes, has hair extensions and wears high heels.  As an added bonus, she has a child she doesn't have custody of, is older than she claimed, has no formal education and speaks broken English, despite being here since 1980.  What a prize. 

I'm not faulting her for being the way she is.  Perhaps she's a product of her environment.  The men in her life who have enabled this behavior are as guilty as she is for what she's become. For me, it's a pattern I've seen a thousand times. I know men who date...and truly value women like these...and I know a few women who believe that as long as they can "catch" men who will spoil them, why not take advantage of it?

The conversation took a turn for the surreal when I pressed her on the thought of having another child.  According to her doctor, she was running out of time to conceive a child on her own.  Her doctor suggested that she gets pregnant just as soon as is practical, or considers freezing her eggs.  To her, "as soon as practical" meant that she wanted to be pregnant within a few months.  Obviously, I was fascinated by her desire to find a man, build a relationship and get pregnant within 90 days.

My assessment was brutally honest.  I told her that this seemed wildly impractical and that some men might perceive this to mean that she was more focused on getting some security by using the child to ensure that the man is obligated to help take care of her.  Surprisingly, she wasn't offended.  Her response was "at least I'm being honest about it."

Yeah, cause you've been so honest up till now. 

For the record, most men appreciate that a woman takes care of herself.  Hair dye, fake nails and a little nip and tuck here and there is more than acceptable for most men.  But any man should accept her for who she is and how she looks.  If she does these things to feel better about yourself, no harm can come from that.  If she uses it to present a facade of beauty when internally, her moral compass is spinning like a Roulette wheel, it's not healthy..for either party.

Opinions expressed are those of the author(s)