Birds Of A Feather...

This story come from a writer who offers a woman's view about dating a MALE Hamster.   

I know this site appears to be a venting forum for men, but we ladies have encountered our fair share of HAMSTERS, too! You see, I did not date a Hamster, I married one!

I dated this Hamster for nine years. This Hamster had always shown signs of Hamsterness, but somehow, I ignored the signs.  I was very young when we met. I was impressionable and soon became very dependent on him.

My Hamster often lashed out at me, verbally and emotionally. At times, the verbal and emotional abuse seemed worse than physical abuse.  I forgave Hamster over and over again by convincing myself that he was stressed from work.  Mind you, my "adorable" Hamster was on his wheels for hours on end. He provided a very comfortable lifestyle for us.

Before you begin to conclude that I was weak, or that I had low self-esteem, was unattractive or was a gold digger, let me clarify:

I am in my mid 30’s. We met when I was in my early 20’s. Most men would find me attractive. I have a post graduate degree. I own my own home, pay my own bills and care for my parents. While I have plenty of shortcomings (and trust me, we all do), none of them resided in our bedroom. I fully appreciate that some men cheat because the sex is unsatisfactory.  Some cheat just to try something different.  Some simply can't past the "hunter/gatherer" instinct that seems to be so deeply ingrained in some men...not all, but some. Some men are just knuckle-draggers and some women respond to cave men...I get it. 

But I digress.

One day, Hamster proposed to me in front of his best friend and his wife. We will call the best friend "The Parrot" (because he simply followed the lead of his wife)  and the wife, who we'll call  "The Hen." 

Here is a little background on The Parrot and The  Hen:  I dubbed him The Parrot because when he took back his poor-excuse-of-a-wife back after she left him for one of her lovers, he regurgitated her excuses as if they were valid. The Hen came back after her lover realized that she was after his money. I was actually there for The Parrot A (as a friend and confidant) through his tough six months of temporary separation.

Anyhow, I reluctantly said 'yes' to Hamster's awkward proposal, even though I instinctively knew that I was making a huge mistake. I am not the kind of woman that needs to be married to be happy. In my opinion, couples will quarrel, that is a fact of life and life is not perfect, but my life was acceptable, so why not follow conventional wisdom and get married?  After all, by this time, we had been dating for the better part of a decade.  

At first, all was normal.  Our little love nest was all set up and lined with wedding gifts.  After eight months though, my little Hamster was rarely at the nest and instead, was roosting at the The Parrot’s house till the break of dawn. Turns out that The Hen has a sister that I'll call "The Cockatoo," because she's definitely had a Cock (or two).  This little bird has a criminal record for cultivating marijuana in her home.  She insisted that she had no idea they were marijuana and just thought it 'looked pretty.'  I foolishly used my background to help her deal with this mess, at one point. The feds confiscated her property, so she was forced to stay at The Parrot's home. 

Nevertheless, I wasn't really threatened by her and as far as I knew, she was keeping her beak our of my business, so I actually felt sorry for her.  My take was that The Cockatoo was mixed up and I knew she had a few skeletons.  Little did I know that she might as well been living in a graveyard, with all the skeletons she had.

I had no idea what my Hamster would see in her. (Um, maybe his wee-wee? ~ Craig)

After some time, things started to deteriorate back at our little love nest.  In one extreme incident, Hamster's neglect at home along with random, abusive outbursts forced me to leave the home we shared for a couple of days to cool down. After a couple of days, I came home to find my cheating Hamster and The Cockatoo completely naked and doing the act, on one of my favorite red throws, in my own living room! (This was an episode of "Friends," right?  Ross and Rachel?  They were on a break?~ Craig)

My Hamster had the cajones to accuse me of not respecting his privacy. Privacy, in my book, is leaving a man alone with the Victoria Secret catalog in the bathroom.  That does not include giving him space to have intimate relations with a mutual "friend" while we already having problems.

In his view,  I should have warned him that I was coming home to MY HOUSE! I was beside myself. The Cockatoo had a smirk on her face and trust me, I wanted to rip it off, but I just landed a new job for a high profile agency and could not risk losing it through a senseless act of violence. 

The following day, another girlfriend of mine came to my love nest, grabbed my clothes and nothing more. I never went back. The Cockatoo moved in with Hamster the very next day after I cleared out my belongings.

Hamster did call me on the phone shortly thereafter. I was totally ready to hear his apology, an excuse, or an admission of wrong-doing.  I didn't get it.  Instead, he told me that I was TOO YOUNG for him. He needed someone older. Um, that's something you could've mentioned BEFORE THE WEDDING!  (For the record, don't most guys PREFER the younger of the two when in a love triangle? ~ Craig)

The Cockatoo is only five years my senior, but she could have easily passed for my aunt. This is not a bitter woman ranting, it is simple common sense.  If a man is going to cheat, conventional wisdom holds that he's not satisfied at home (which wasn't the case, because our sex was more Rabbit-like than Hamster-like), or that he truly feels a connection with the other party, or that he's "trading up" by going to a younger, hotter chick.  None of these applied. 

Needless to say, three months after the Hamster and The Cockatoo were cohabiting, she started pecking at him for more scratch (money).  Seems she was growing dissatisfied with him, too....or maybe she just chokes on small bones.  No matter to me,  I was happily making my nest elsewhere.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they say, but if you'll pardon the pun, I find them all fowl! 

Opinions expressed are those of the author(s)