False Advertising or Unrealistic Expectations?

I've been meaning to pen this post for awhile, but I'm always reluctant to appear jaded. As much as I joke around, I'm concerned that my posts might appear misogynistic. As long as we can all agree that everything I write about women can probably apply to men too, then I'll continue on. This is the spirit in which I author these posts and if you're thinking that I've become cynical, jaded or intolerant, you'd be only partially correct. In reality, I'm fed up.

In any case, one of my pet peeves is women (or men) who blatantly misrepresent themselves online. Anyone who's dated online knows that men lie about their height, weight, age or other things, but so too do women.

To combat this, I wrote my profile in such a way that I was very clear what I was looking for: someone professional, classy, a college graduate, Asian and height/weight proportionate.

I'm getting tons of replies and I've screened the ones that are too young, too old (older than I am), or don't match any of my other criteria. I've had plenty of insane experiences (as documented here) but I haven't written about the ones that are just disappointments, largely because none of these women made it past the first date.  In fact, some of them don't make it past the first phone call. 

Every once in awhile, I take a chance on one that seems a bit outside my comfort zone. Despite my experiences, I still believe in giving the benefit of the doubt, despite some early red flags. I got roped into a date with a woman who was too young, was clearly a Hamster and the only thing in common we shared was our fascination with her, um, blouse size. I knew going in that this one wasn't a match and in reality, there are tons of clues that what you're getting is not what's being represented, if you simply pay attention.

For example: I'm always suspect when a woman asks to meet me at a dark restaurant and shows up wearing black.  Black attire on a first date to me screams "pastry smuggler"....she's hiding her rolls. Asking for a meetup at a dark restaurant is a pretty good sign that she knows she looks best in muted light. Take her outside into the light of day and be prepared for an encounter with a Sea Donkey.

I'm not saying that I'm Brad Pitt, nor am I expecting Megan Fox to pick me online. Still, if a woman's pictures portray her as slender, of silky smooth complexion and showoff some stellar cleavage, that's what I expect to see when we meet up.  I'm not saying that any of those things are my requirements. Candidly, I'm drawn to long hair, pretty eyes and a sexy smile. I've dated women who were slender, had a few extra pounds, some with cleavage, some without. My core requirements are more about her inner beauty than her outward appearance...within reason.

By the same token, I've dated some women who were fairly attractive on the outside, but were dysfunctional, sociopathic, materialistic, narcissists on the inside.

I know most people assume that men my age want to date 25 year old hot co-eds and perhaps deep down, I'm trying to stay close to that. That is not the case at all. I just want the woman in the pictures to match what her online profile says.

Just once, I'd like to read a profile like this: "Self absorbed narcissist who is mildly good looking, surgically enhanced and commitment-phobic, seeking a deaf, mute, billionaire with a bodyguard physique and a terminal illness. Must be willing to sign a one-way prenup benefitting me and be willing to support me in the lifestyle I think I deserve."  It sure would be a more accurate description, at least of one of my ex's.

Being in Marketing, I can appreciate the notion of highlighting your best attributes. Hell, I'm the King of Spin when it comes to certain things so I can appreciate the irony here. My point is that the dating process is time consuming...and expensive.  The ladies don't care because I never see them reaching for the check...they get a free meal out of it and I'm totally ok with that. Money isn't the issue, it's time, and my time is far more valuable to me than it apparently is to some of these ladies.

Telling somebody you're something you're not becomes readily apparent sooner than you think. A woman who tells me she's a Christian yet treats her parents like peasants is not a good Christian. The behaviorial tells take longer to discover than misrepresented photos, though.

I can highlight many examples of dating experiences where the woman in the photos simply didn't look anything like the woman who showed up on the date.  Fine. Maybe it was photoshopped or maybe some people look better on camera than in real life. It's kind of like the hamburgers you see in commercials: I know darn well that when I peel back the buns and look at the meat, it's not going to look anything like the picture and the lettuce will be old and wilted...I get it...I'm in marketing.

For the record, I'm ok with push up bras, false eyelashes, high heels, support panty hose, whatever. If my patent for inflatable men's underwear gets approved, we men can play that game too. That's not the issue.

The issue is simply this: if you're trying to find a good match online, it is in everyone's best interests to be as accurate as possible in your description of who you are.  You may not need to disclose every personal detail about your life in cyberspace, but you should at least be a fair representation of what your present.  Telling someone you're "college educated" when really you mean "cosmetology school" educated is not being accurate. Surely such a woman knows that any intelligent man will grow tired of you in a short period of time, unless of course, he's just dating you based on your looks.

That brings up another topic: appearances.  I've had women show up on both end of extremes on a first date. A woman that shows up looking shabby, unprepared or late simply isn't getting a second date. A woman wouldn't tolerate this of a man, so I think I'm being reasonable.

The issue of physical appearance is a hot button for both sexes. Everyone agrees that there must be mutual chemistry, but this is on a sliding scale. I'm pretty sure that the Elephant Man wouldn't be holding out for Angelina Jolie, so you get the picture. 

Still, some of my more delusional hamsters seem to be holding out for Brad Pitt. I find this amusing given what they have to offer. A 42 year old woman who works at the makeup counter at Nordstrom's, divorced, with two young kids at home can hardly expect a Brad Pitt type to choose her, no matter how pure she is inside.

Conversely, men in this age category tend to date for sport...and they're looking for young, hot, dumb girls. If you're a young, hot, dumb girl, expect to be used and don't hold out for the guy to marry you.  It just isn't going to happen.  By the same token, if you're an older, well to do gentleman living in a big house in Corona Del Mar and you truly believe that you're 30 year old hairdresser girlfriend loves you for you, you're dumber than she is.

This all brings me back to my original point: that both parties should state what they're looking for and what they offer (or don't offer) as early as possible. Screening through phone conversations ahead of a first date is one practice I'm going to enforce diligently, for sure.  Clear, open communication better be present from the get-go and if it isn't, I've lost my taste for reading between the lines, deciphering pre-menstrual banter or post hormonal assertions. 

I'm trying to remain calm, but I'm seriously considering lobbying the Obama administration for warning labels to be attached to all single men and women outlining their defects (my warning label would have to be printed on the back of a coat tie). 

Alternatively, can't someone make a mobile app using facial recognition software that will allow us single people to review each other?  Imagine if you can snap a pic of a Hamster at a club and pull her dating history, testimonials from ex's, credit score, criminal history, recent blood test, likes, dislikes, religion and job history.

A mobile app like that could've saved me hundrends of thousands of dollars...possibly millions.

I'm seriously considering bringing a long-form written test to my first dates. It'd be a quick meet up at Starbucks and while I'm sipping a Chai Tea Latte, my Hamster can put that #2 pencil to good use on a quick, 100 question personal profile quiz. If she matches my answers, we can move on to the polygraph test.  Or maybe there's already a mobile app for this, too.